Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Ending the Day Well

Today was a rough day, but it has ended well. First, I woke up this morning unable to speak. During the change of seasons, I always get this congestion/throat thing that takes my voice. I wasn't quite sure how I was going to teach Bible study tonight, but after some prayer, meds and a long hot shower, I got my voice back somewhat. I got the kids to school and decided to go window shop a little. It's nice to be able to look around the scrapbook store without kids in tow so I decided to take advantage of the time alone. The funny thing is on the way over to the stores, I really felt like I should be at home cleaning or preparing more for my Bible Study tonight. I reasoned with myself that I had already prepared, had all of my notes and study sheet ready and had read through the material numerous times and I have tomorrow to clean. I basically talked myself out of doing what I felt in my spirit I should be doing. I justified that "I deserved a break." Funny thing is, once I got to the store, I really didn't enjoy my time there. I was being disobedient and I knew it. I had the "uh-oh" feeling as my son Spencer calls it. You know, when the Spirit convicts you.

On the way home I was beating up on myself for not doing the things I ought to be doing. The ironic thing about this, is that part of this week's Bible study talked about how negative self talk is defeating and distracting to our walk with God. Had I been home going over the notes again instead of out window shopping, I wouldn't have had reason to be beating up on myself anyway. As we all know, once the conversation with yourself starts, it often goes into a downward spiral. It didn't help that I wasn't feeling well physically either. On the way home I was listening to Casting Crowns new CD (highly recommended if you don't have it yet) and the song Somewhere in the Middle came on. I thought "this is so me". If you haven't heard the song, here are the words:

Casting Crowns - Somewhere In The Middle lyrics
Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me
Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle
Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves
Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

Needless to say, by the time I got home, I was struggling with feeling like I didn't know what my God given purpose is in life. I feel at times like I am called to speak or teach, but today was not one of those days. I wondered if my hopes and dreams for myself are God's hopes and dreams for me, and if they aren't am I ok with that? Questions and doubts were attacking. The whole faith and plans part and contented peace and wanting more parts of the song were really heavy on me today.

I came home, spent some time in prayer, picked up the kids from school, did homework, practicied Awana verses, attempted to make it to Tae Kwon Do (we didn't - were running too late) went to dinner where we couldn't get our food which made us late to church, and when we got there, no teachers in one of my kids class yet made me almost 15 minutes late for the Bible study I am leading. I guess with a study called The Frazzled Female at least all of the participants get it! I was quite frazzled by the time I got started. But, again I prayed, asked God to calm my spirit and speak through me to those ladies something that they needed to hear - a word of encouragement or hope. I felt like He did. Hopefully they did too.

We got home late and I just got the kids to bed. Greg is not home yet so I told the kids they could sleep with me. I put them down and told them I would be right up as soon as I blogged, and that they should say their prayers. I usually help them, but I wanted to see what they would do on their on so I stood at the door and listened. Mary Lyndsey asked Spencer to help her pray. I wish you could have heard their prayers. They thanked God for His blessings and for Mommy and Daddy and each other, then asked Him to forgive them for their sins (ML inserted specifically forgiveness for hitting Spencer today) and asked for Him to keep them safe. What more can we say or ask for. Like I said, the day has ended well and His mercies will be new in the morning.


Carol said...

Sounds like we are both having a rough week! I love how the Lord can give you a song to sum up how you are feeling or to tell you something. He is amazing!

Stephanie (Ocean Mommy) said...

There HE goes again, meeting you right where you are and giving you your daily bread. I love it when He takes a regualar old day or situation and turns it into a major teaching experience!

Thanks for being transparent and real.